I remember the first time I considered telling my husband about how I was feeling, no not just the normal marriage feelings, but …. the feeling that I can’t get passed the feeling of sadness. A feeling that weights heavy on my mind, weights down my normal thoughts, pauses my normal emotions and just stops me. You can imagine the look of confusion. There were no visible signs, there was no eyes rolling in the back of my head, not anything that he could “see” to be able to understand what I was saying. Hello I could hardly understand it. As I mentioned, I have struggled with this for some time.
Don’t get me wrong, over the many years together he has tried, and tried again to understand, to help and sympathize but then, every time we get into an argument, I am thrown the “go take your tablets” or ” you need to up your meds”. Why is it that the ones who you love, who you have shared your daily struggles with hurt you with the one thing they know should not be used. How do you go back to trusting that person. Yes, yes, we only hurt the ones we love …. I don’t get that. If you love someone then there should be no conditions to when you love them and when you don’t. Love is unconditional right, even though I am the one with a scattered brain I would never use something against them like this. I guess the reason why I would not use someone’s sadness against them, is I know how that feels, how it cuts, twists, rips, burns at every cell of my body. It drops me into a spiral without words or sound, just blur and swirl, I want to go down and not come back. I am obviously not good enough for him. Not someone you want to be in public with, someone to wrap up in your arms and hold, protect, shield. I have learnt to stand on my own two feet in childhood, in my marriage. I have learnt to not rely on others for safety or protection to get me through, or so it looks on the surface. All the while I am screaming inside, crying for someone, desperate for anyone, anyone who can hold my hand and keep me from drowning. Tell me I am not alone. Tell me I am worth staying around.