For your love of me

But I am a person who likes answers.  So I read a lot,  tried to figure out what was going wrong with me.  But not before I hit rock bottom, and I do mean, what I think, is the bottom of the anything and everything. 

The moment that I replay over and over again in my head, the point in time that jolts me back to my path … It was a normal weekend, everything started out fine, no real sadness to report, no shaking or hokey pokey feeling.  I remember, sitting on the end of my bed as I have done before, looking down at my hands but not really seeing anything, except a red pool, the white carpet, the ease with which i could do it and thinking; I could just leave this earth and all my sadness would go away.  The feeling of numbness, sadness, hopelessness would just go away and I could be happy again.  No one would really care.  My husband could find someone who doesn’t have to ” up their meds”, my family wouldn’t have to try to understand me, my kids ……. it was at that point that one of my kids called for me, I blinked, I blinked again and I decided at that moment, in that split second, that I don’t want to feel that again.   I felt it too many times. 

So what did I learn.  I learnt that I now have to deal with my life in a different way than others.

You know what I want to do, I want to sit outside and feel the sun on my face without any worry of the darkness.

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