But I am a person who likes answers. So I read a lot, tried to figure out what was going wrong with me. But not before I hit rock bottom, and I do mean, what I think, is the bottom of the anything and everything.
The moment that I replay over and over again in my head, the point in time that jolts me back to my path … It was a normal weekend, everything started out fine, no real sadness to report, no shaking or hokey pokey feeling. I remember, sitting on the end of my bed as I have done before, looking down at my hands but not really seeing anything, except a red pool, the white carpet, the ease with which i could do it and thinking; I could just leave this earth and all my sadness would go away. The feeling of numbness, sadness, hopelessness would just go away and I could be happy again. No one would really care. My husband could find someone who doesn’t have to ” up their meds”, my family wouldn’t have to try to understand me, my kids ……. it was at that point that one of my kids called for me, I blinked, I blinked again and I decided at that moment, in that split second, that I don’t want to feel that again. I felt it too many times.
So what did I learn. I learnt that I now have to deal with my life in a different way than others.
You know what I want to do, I want to sit outside and feel the sun on my face without any worry of the darkness.