Days

As much as I try to overcome these feelings, there are days.

Silence – driving on a beautiful summer day, I think, how easy it would be to just aim the car into that tree up ahead. Easy. Quick. Freedom. 

Noise – In the middle of another argument or rant. I want to stop this verbal barrage that is falling out of my mouth but my head is spinning so fast I am not sure what I have said or if they heard what I said, so I say it again.  Walk, walk away, but it’s too noisy in my head I can’t find the out. Too much noise. 

Darkness – I am standing there, so many people around. Family. Should be full of happiness but it feels like I am drowning in a bottom less pit.  Alone, blackness, everything in slow motion. Stop breathing, it will be freeing. 

Forward – coming home from work, females are ganging up on me. I could take one more step; the car, tree, forward motion, freedom. 

Pain –  when people hurt me, those close to me. They judge me, they don’t like something about me.  This blade could take my pain away, it would be the last pain I feel.  Freedom.