Black dog, mental illness, disease, whatever you want to call it … it can only be understood by those of us who have gone or are going through it. Wait, that last sentence made it sound like you can cure it like swine flu (yes, they have a vaccine for it!).
But like anything that people don’t understand the people in the position of making decisions about out issues don’t really know the daily struggles. Yes, I know it sounds like a clique.
Take it from me, although you don’t know me, but I have struggled with this since before the doctors started handing out antidepressants like tic tacs and before it was acceptable to talk about it in public. I have suffered in silence, cringed in silence, watched in silence and cried in silence but no more.
This is me. I grew up in a family of 7 from a small country town. Never at the top of class during primary school but high school proved to be good for me academically. On the social side of school, well, imagine a child growing up in a very strict family, my parents cut my hair so imagine a mullet on a female, and I was overweight. The onset of acne and puberty while in primary school was the proverbial icing on the cake of my childhood, and although I tried to get out and explore the world I am still here. Now a parent I look back often on things that make .. well me. Good or bad, many things have influenced my personality. But none more than my depression. It has altered my ability as a daughter, a wife, a mother, a co worker, a friend, a member of my family …… well you get the idea.
I am guessing that many people who suffer from depression have different ways of explaining their emotions or how they get to that feeling and why it makes them feel that way so this may just be my own way of describing how I feel. One thing I can say is, there is no rhyme or reason to what triggers these thoughts and emotions, I guess if there was it would be easier to handle and probably for the medical community easier to treat. But we are all unique and unique to each individual depression is.
Yes everyone is different. I know my signs. My hands seem to shake constantly, my head feelings like my brain is detached and doing the hokey pokey inside my skull so much that I can’t see or talk straight. All I want is to go to bed and sleep, but scream at the world at the same time. Now I know to some people that sounds completely …..mad and yes, to those who don’t suffer from it, it goes against all normal human behavior.
Have you ever been in a room full of family, because genetics says they are family, and felt so alone that there is no hole deep enough or no blackness dark enough to swallow you up and get you out. You know no one would miss you because after they say their customary hello, how are you, how’s things …. non of which they care to hear about … that they then move on to the fun, shallow yet good looking, easy going family members and never leave their side.