Depression living – Silence of Depression

June 11, 2019

Am I worth life

Some days I watch the news and I think, if someone killed me, no one would really miss me other than my husband and children, then there are days I think they would be better without me; for everyone else I seem to be burden on them. Not happy enough, talkative enough, too bossy or controlling, too kind, too helpful. Being told by family members that I’m never going to have friends, that I allow people to walk all over me, but also that I am too opinionated, too caring. I have been told by “friends” that I am too much and for some not enough. I have even been ridiculed for having faith.

And I wonder why my head and heart spin so much. Am I not enough or am I too much? Why can’t I just be? I know I do not fit in with everyone in this town. I never have.

In my clearer moments, this is what I tell myself:

I am me. I am an individual. I have something to offer people, be it friendship, a smile or a helping hand. My Dad always told me to stand on my own two feet. Never rely on someone else to get you through the day or to get you to where you want to go. And for the most part of my days, that is what goes through my head. I put on a good face to the outside world. I smile because it makes me happy. I believe I can tell myself what to think, I won’t let others dictate how I feel. I choose to be happy. I choose to have faith in myself that I can get through this. I choose to live. I choose to ignore the negative people who are so sad in their own lives that they feel they have the right to put someone down, to tell them they are nothing when they themselves are nothing. No one can tell me I am not worth my life.

Sounds very uplifting. Very strong.

Until it’s not.

May 30, 2019May 30, 2019

Smile or not to smile

During my good days, I always believed, and I guess some part of me still believes, that you should always smile when in public. I tell my children, always smile and never dismiss anyone because you never know what others are going through. Maybe that smile or that hello is what helps someone feel better about themselves or helps them see that not everyone is judging them or ignoring them.

This is something I have always done; hello to the cash register operator, smile at people as we cross paths on the footpath. And I did not think anyone really bothered with me doing it. Until one day, someone who I use to think was a friend, not a best friend but a friend, told me that I walk around the town like I own it, like I am so much better than others. When I asked them what they meant, they replied, “you are always smiling and so nice to people. It’s annoying to watch”. First, how does someone say that to another person … where do they get the impression that it is ok to complain about how happy someone seems. Is it because they themselves are not that happy and don’t like others to be? Obviously, the saying – misery loves company – comes to mind. But what that person did not realize is that the need for my “friend” to make me feel bad for spreading happiness was yet another trigger for one of my declines into blackness. I was not strong enough to dismiss the comment as their own problem, not mine. I was not strong enough to ignore my raging thought that everyone in our town thought the same thing. I was not strong enough to think logically and realized that that person was not a friend but a grim reaper of my soul. I was not strong enough to stop myself. I was not strong enough.

Even today, reliving that experience, my chest rises and falls with pain, with tightness; my eyes start to water and my anger is rising. How do I let people get to me like this? And why. Just why? I don’t understand what makes people think they the authority to speak to someone like that, to have such disregard for how their words affect people. Even though I understand that people are this rude and horrible it still hurts. I would not say anything like that to anyone I know or don’t know because smiling and being happy does not hurt anyone. It is the one thing that costs you nothing but can be worth a lot to someone else. Except when you are me and you have the “friends” I have, it then costs you enough.

May 18, 2019

Days

As much as I try to overcome these feelings, there are days.

Silence – driving on a beautiful summer day, I think, how easy it would be to just aim the car into that tree up ahead. Easy. Quick. Freedom.

Noise – In the middle of another argument or rant. I want to stop this verbal barrage that is falling out of my mouth but my head is spinning so fast I am not sure what I have said or if they heard what I said, so I say it again. Walk, walk away, but it’s too noisy in my head I can’t find the out. Too much noise.

Darkness – I am standing there, so many people around. Family. Should be full of happiness but it feels like I am drowning in a bottom less pit. Alone, blackness, everything in slow motion. Stop breathing, it will be freeing.

Forward – coming home from work, females are ganging up on me. I could take one more step; the car, tree, forward motion, freedom.

Pain – when people hurt me, those close to me. They judge me, they don’t like something about me. This blade could take my pain away, it would be the last pain I feel. Freedom.